Archive for October, 2012

Grief (Loss pain)

Posted in A Different Perspective with tags , , on October 15, 2012 by thecountessshadow

I have been thinking about a very depressive thing. I don’t know why did it come to me today, but it kept pushing and pushing until I finally gave up.

It is loss of a loved one and the grief and pain it brings. I am pretty sure that everybody has at least once experienced the loss of a loved one, by death or separation or whatever.

Many of us have experienced the agony it causes, the loneliness, and may be at times the extreme sensation that life is tasteless and that we just wanted it to end.

I have been looking closely at these feelings, trying to learn more about their origin. When you feel agonizing pain after getting separated from someone you love, does it mean you really loved that one deeply? Does the degree of pain correlate with love, or is it just a personal trait or a mere immaturity??

I don’t have a solid answer to that question, but I have been there before. I experienced that agonizing pain and with that harsh experience I learnt a few things that I so much feel like sharing with you.

I don’t pretend to be wise or something and I have no idea how will I react if it ever happens again, but these are just the thoughts I had after my own experience.

I believe that the key to understanding the nature of this grief, this loss pain is to understand that life is not meant to be a static phenomenon, to understand that life is dynamic, a journey and a human is so much like a tourist and the more things you see, the more beautiful the trip is! and to see a new place you have to leave another! Your physical form limits your ability to be in many places at once.

Unfortunately we are not gods!! Unfortunately we are limited by the time and the place limits. It is sad maybe, but I have once asked myself that question, would I trade my body with a more free mental form that can be everywhere and anywhere? The question sounds stupid I know especially because it was misused in the movies, but if you look closer you will find things different. So back again to the question, would you trade your body with a more free mental form that can be everywhere? Personally, I would never trade my body for anything.

Though the world of ideas and emotions seems very appealing to me, I won’t live my life in them, because it simply means to be dead! Ideas are the core of everything, the primary basic form of existence, the body itself was an idea and when you give that idea life, it becomes a body, a one that can touch and be touched, smell and be smelled, and most importantly, a one that can love and be loved. Personally I would stick to what Brad Pitt has said in Troy “the movie!”, Gods envy humans because they are mortals, because every moment could be the last moment, and that is what makes things more beautiful.

Now I can imagine some of you may be asking, what does this body vs. spirit discussion have to do with the grief thing. Well, actually it has everything to do with the grief of the loss.

The grief is the bodily painful reaction to loss. (I use the term body to express the whole physical phenomenon including the true body [limbs, chest, etc…], the sexuality and all other earthy emotion).

I believe grief is something different than sadness, the romantic sadness if I may use this term. The grief is a sort of depression, an illness like a flu (much more tough though!), it paralyses you, it makes things tasteless. On the other hand, true understanding of ourselves and the true nature of things and life brings another reaction to loss, loss of a loved one, it is romantic sadness, or hmmm, existential sadness may be a more proper term, like the one which comes with the fall! Life goes on, and you go on with it eager to experience new things, to be in new places but when you are sitting alone, listening to the wind or staring at the dark sky, you sense that subtle sadness appearing from the corner, you may smile a silent smile, shed a tear, it depends on who you are, then you move on again.

It is like you sense the sadness in the very nature of life itself! like you are looking deeply at a baby just born and starting his life with crying, with the first breath, he cries, now he is alive!

Existential sadness, the pain of life!

I apologise if I have written so much about something that might be boring for many of you, but these words kept coming to me, forcing themselves on me, and I couldn’t help letting them out!

Her Wild Stallion

24/7 Slavery

Posted in A Different Perspective with tags , , , , , , , on October 13, 2012 by thecountessshadow

We have discussed before the policy and aims of our polling section, and you can review it in the previous post “Polling and beyond”.

In this new poll, we want to address an issue which might seem apparently simple but we do believe it is a very important one.

Through our own experience in femdom, we have always noticed the space separating the fantasy and the real world and during our own journey we have always tried to minimize that gap between what is fantasy and what is real, and this can only be achieved by more understanding of one’s true wishes and desires and what She/he REALLY wants to do and really CAN do.

We are pretty sure that most lifestylers either they are Mistresses or submissives have somehow fantasized about 24/7 Mistress/slave relationships in which the Mistress always controls (violently or softly) and the slave always serves and obeys (willingly or forced) according to each one’s own taste. The main theme in here is the strict Mistress/slave dynamics and the continuous 24/7 definite roles and power exchange.

No doubt that is one lovely fantasy that most probably has given every Mistress and submissive a lot of pleasure on many Saturday nights :), but that’s not the point. We have found that many lifestylers fantasize about this though very few genuinely want it, but the interesting part is that though many lifestylers can’t really practice it with their like-minded partners they remain fantasizing about it again and again and that poses a question, a bit philosophical one, about the difference between “to want” and “to be ready”, or is it all about the right approach and the right timing. We would really like to know about your own thoughts regarding this and this poll is just a little mind game to warm us up.

So now, the poll is one simple question, either you are a Mistress or a submissive, do you really want a 24/7 Mistress/slave relationship? (Please leave fantasy land for now and stay with us in real world while answering this). The answers will be a Yes or No for each gender, so please choose a Yes or No according to your gender.

The Countess & Her Wild Stallion

I declare (a poem)

Posted in Poetry & Literature with tags , , , , , , on October 12, 2012 by thecountessshadow

This is one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read, for one of the most intense, truthful and talented poets, one of my favourite poets actually, his name is Nezar Qabani. I understand that many of you do not come from the same area of the world where I reside, so most probably you won’t be familiar with the name, but I hope you would sense the beauty in his verses, and the truthfulness and charm in his words the way I do.

I have mentioned that in a previous post, and here I do it again. I understand that translating scripts of poetic nature makes them lose a lot of their original charm and beauty, keeping in mind that I am the one who translated them a non-professional translation which might actually make things worse! But I do believe that however rusty the translation might be, the script would still be inhabited by the ghost of art, and hopefully, you would sense the beauty and the truthfulness of the meanings and the feelings within. Besides, I think this poem is very beautiful to be kept in the chains of language, so I tried to liberate it and send it in the open beyond the fences of language and culture.

Now, I would like to mention something about myself and my attitude when it comes to sharing poems or any sort of literature. I adore literature and especially poetry I feel like it abbreviates the history of love, revolution, and every noble thing in the world. At times, it abbreviates the history of the culture of a whole nation like you read Shakespere or Dickens, and you feel like you can smell the fog in ancient England! So, anyway, sometimes I just share poems as a part of sharing things I like, but sometimes, like this time, it is a bit different and a bit deeper!

With some scripts, like this one, you feel like you can’t exactly define the space between you and the script, between your life, and the virtual life dancing inside that script. You feel that your experiences are somehow linked to the experience in the script, your own ideas and emotions are like an extension to that script, complementary to the ideas within it, mixing with them, or even embracing them at times!

Nezar Qabani was talking about his beloved ” Belqees Al-Rawy”, but for a while, I felt like he was talking about mine! my Countess! And I felt like I just re-discovered the whole poem again! At some parts, I just felt like he was literally expressing everything I felt, but was never able to express that beautifully!

Anyway, I don’t want to waste your time and effort reading my own words, when Nezar’s beautiful words are waiting for you to enjoy 🙂

I will post both the english translated version of the poem, as well as the original arabic version for locals to enjoy.

And yes, for locals, if anybody can come with a more professional translation, please don’t hesitate to share it with us, as I hope to make the translated version as beautiful and close to the original script as possible.

Now ladies and gentlemen, meet Nezar Qabani 🙂

I declare
that no other woman ever mastered the game but you
ever tolerated my foolishness for years
and my madness like you did
I declare no other woman ever
cut my nails
arranged my books
and took me back to kindergarten
but you
I declare that
no woman is so much alike me
like an oil painting
in thoughts and attitudes
but you
in sanity and madness
in quick attachement
and quick boredom
but you

I declare that
no woman has ever taken of my attention
even half as much as you took
no woman ever conquered me as you did
or liberated me the way you did

I declare that
no woman ever
treated me like a 2 months old baby
but you
offered me milk
flowers and toys
but you

no woman was ever generous with me
like the sea
classy like poetry
no woman ever pampered me
spoiled me
the way you did
no woman ever made my childhood
extend for years and years
but you
I declare that
no woman one can say she is Eve
but you
and at her navel
is the centre of universe
no woman the trees follow her when she walks
the pigeons drink from her ice body
the sheep eat from the summer grass of her armpits
but you
no woman ever abbreviated the history of femininity
in her body
incited my manhood against me
but you

I declare that
no woman has ever made time stop at her right bossom
and revolutions started at foothills of her left bossom
like you
no woman ever changed the world’s legalisation
the world’s map
but you

I declare that
no woman invades my being like an earthquake
at love moments
burns me
drowns me
ignites me
and quenches me
splits me like a crescent
but you
occupies my soul
the longest occupation
the happiest occupation
plants me
roses and mint
and orange fields

Oh Lady
the one I leave my questions beneath her hair
though she never answered any
Oh lady
you are all the languages in one
a one that is sensed
but can never be said

oh you Lady
with the oceanic eyes
and the waxy hands
so fair like silver
so smooth like a crystal
you are
I declare that
no woman ever around her waist
all times are wrapped
all eras evolve
around her waist
thousand planets revolve
no other woman but you my love
on her arms was raised
the first male ever
and the last male

you lady
so pure you are
so beautiful and just
so delcious
and so innocent
like eternal childhood

I declare that
no woman ever revolted against the rule of the cave people
we belong to
but you
no woman ever
broke thier stone age idols
destroyed thier delusions
and challenged thier power
but you
received the stabs of the tribe
in her bossom
and considered my love to her
the greatest virtue
but you
I declare that
no woman ever was so right for me
the way you do
her hair was longer than what i dreamed
longer than what i wanted it to be
her breasts
came exactly like i dreamed
like i drew
no woman ever
comes out from the clouds of smoke if I smoke
flies like a white pigeon in my mind if I think
but you
oh lady for whom I wrote whole books
but with all my books and poetry
you remained more beautiful
than whatever I wrote

I declare that
no woman ever
has made love to me the way you do
no woman was as civilised as you
no woman ever removed the third world dust
from my shoulders
but you
I declare that
no woman before you
has ever treated my inhibitions
has ever cultured my body
and talked to it like a violin

Oh Lady
I declare that
there is no other woman
but you
but you
but you.
Nezar Qabani.

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

أتقنت اللعبة إلا أنت

واحتملت حماقتي

عشرة أعوام كما احتملت

واصطبرت على جنوني مثلما صبرت

وقلمت أظافري

ورتبت دفاتري

وأدخلتني روضة الأطفال

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تشبهني كصورة زيتية

في الفكر والسلوك إلا أنت

والعقل والجنون إلا أنت

والملل السريع

والتعلق السريع

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

قد أخذت من اهتمامي

نصف ما أخذت

واستعمرتني مثلما فعلت

وحررتني مثلما فعلت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تعاملت معي كطفل عمره شهران

إلا أنت ..

وقدمت لي لبن العصفور

والأزهار والألعاب

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

كانت معي كريمة كالبحر

راقية كالشعر

ودللتني مثلما فعلت

وأفسدتني مثلما فعلت

أشهد أن لا امرأة

قد جعلت طفولتي

تمتد للخمسين .. إلا أنت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تقدرأن تقول إنها النساء .. إلا أنت

وإن في سرتها

مركز هذا الكون

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تتبعها الأشجار عندما تسير

إلا أنت ..

ويشرب الحمام من مياه جسمها الثلجي

إلا أنت ..

وتأكل الخراف من حشيش إبطها الصيفي

إلا أنت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

إختصرت بكلمتين قصة الأنوثة

وحرضت رجولتي علي

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

توقف الزمان عند نهدها الأيمن

إلا أنت ..

وقامت الثورات من سفوح نهدها الأيسر

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

قد غيرت شرائع العالم إلا أنت


خريطة الحلال والحرام

إلا أنت ..

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تجتاحني في لحظات العشق كالزلزال

تحرقني .. تغرقني

تشعلني .. تطفئني

تكسرني نصفين كالهلال

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تحتل نفسي أطول احتلال

وأسعد احتلال


وردا دمشقيا



يا امرأة

اترك تحت شعرها أسئلتي

ولم تجب يوما على سؤال

يا امرأة هي اللغات كلها


تلمس بالذهن ولا تقال

أيتها البحرية العينين

والشمعية اليدين

والرائعة الحضور

أيتها البيضاء كالفضة

والملساء كالبلور

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

على محيط خصرها . .تجتمع العصور

وألف ألف كوكب يدور

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً .. غيرك يا حبيبتي

على ذراعيها تربى أول الذكور

وآخر الذكور

أيتها اللماحة الشفافة

العادلة الجميلة

أيتها الشهية البهية

الدائمة الطفوله

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تحررت من حكم أهل الكهف إلا أنت

وكسرت أصنامهم

وبددت أوهامهم

وأسقطت سلطة أهل الكهف إلا أنت

أشهد أن لا امرأة

إستقبلت بصدرها خناجر القبيلة

واعتبرت حبي لها

خلاصة الفضيله

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

جاءت تماما مثلما انتظرت

وجاء طول شعرها أطول مما شئت أو حلمت

وجاء شكل نهدها

مطابقا لكل ما خططت أو رسمت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

تخرج من سحب الدخان .. إن دخنت

تطير كالحمامة البيضاء في فكري .. إذا فكرت

يا امرأة ..كتبت عنها كتبا بحالها

لكنها برغم شعري كله

قد بقيت .. أجمل من جميع ما كتبت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

مارست الحب معي بمنتهى الحضاره

وأخرجتني من غبار العالم الثالث

إلا أنت

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

قبلك حلت عقدي

وثقفت لي جسدي

وحاورته مثلما تحاور القيثاره

أشهد أن لا امرأة ً

إلا أنت ..

إلا أنت ..

إلا أنت ..

نزار قبانى

Her Wild Stallion


Posted in A Different Perspective on October 12, 2012 by thecountessshadow

As the name states, this is meant to be an apology, and though it should have come several days earlier,but late is better than never.

For our previous readers, followers of our first blog, we believe we owe you an apology as well as an explanation, and we believe now is the time to do it.
Well, we have deleted our original blog, and if any of you is here again, you must have noticed a slight change in the blog address (countessshadow instead of thecountessshadow). We had to take our blog down for some personal reasons, it was a very bad and actually sad time that we may choose to share with you later, but
we dont feel like doing it now, and though we don’t feel like talking about this now, we believe we do owe you an apology for our sudden disappearance, and we hope
that you have missed us like we have missed you and missed our blog, our special corner.

About one week ago, we started on working on our blog again, and unfortunately, the original blog address couldn’t be re-used. It was very sad and disappointing for
us, but it seems like wordpress is so much real like life, when something dies, it can never come back :). So,anyway,we have grieved enough and we are ok about it now
as it was never about the name, it has always been about ourselves, our truthfullness and our sincere desire to interact with every lifestyler, and everyone who has
something to share with us,so despite that slight change in the blog name,we assure you that the very soul of this place is, and will remain always the same, and that
is all that matters.

We do feel obliged to reach for every follower of our previous blog, every person who posted a comment, liked a post, or even passed by to read something in here, as we do believe these folks have honoured us by choosing to spend some of their time in our place, to read, discuss, or interact in anyway, and we do also believe that we are obliged to honour them back by apologising to them for our sudden disappearance and bringing this new blog to their attention. It may take some time to reach for everybody, but we will definitely do it.

We thought that it would be nice to add the original date of each post, the date at which each post was originally edited in a small line above each post of the old
ones, as we believe that timing is one important dimension that will help bring back the soul for each of our previous posts.

Now, for those who are visiting our blog for the first time, we are so happy to have you with us here.

So, again everybody, welcome to our own house of love and madness !
The Countess & Her wild stallion.

Here comes the Fall again…

Posted in Femdom Literature with tags , , on October 7, 2012 by thecountessshadow

(originally posted on September 7, 2012)

It is not yet the autumn, but I started to smell its fragrance in the
air, especially at night. Yes, I do smell it, as every season has
a special smell, and the autumn’s is very unique and very tempting!
I can smell its scent as if it is a beautiful woman approaching, I still
can’t see her, but I can smell her lovely scent, her quiet perfume
mixed with the smell of her body tickling my senses!

I have always had a very special relationship with the fall. I have
written about it, sang for it, bragged about it with friends ( who were
very bored by the way 🙂 ), waited for it like a lover waiting for his
sweetheart! and though they say that when it is the fall, you can smell
sadness in the air, my heart always danced when it came!

I tried many times to label the fall, to link it to something, hmm,like
the season of romance, sadness, silence, or even nostalgia! but I could not, as it is impossible to name the fall after anything! It is impossible to imprison its beauty behind the bars of categorisation!
The fall is so free like its wind, so beautiful like a mermaid, so innocent like a child, and so wise like a monk!

Close your eyes, and listen closely to the wind playing gently with
the leaves, like a talented musician moving his fingers softly over
the cords of his guitar, sometimes just whistling like a reed pipe and
spreading the sand in the deserts at my homeland.

The night becoming longer and longer, as if the universe is asking us
to sit down, relax and look deeply inside ourselves.
I do really sit down and start looking deeply inside, just to find
myself staring at the dark sky, like it is a reflection of my inside,
or probably my deep inner self is a reflection of the vast horizon!
Now this sounds like a lot of philosophising, but I assure you, it is
not! It just happens with the fall, try it for yourself!
Just listen to the wind, and allow yourself the pleasure of watching
the stars in the dark sky, and you will start to sense a deep connection
developping between yourself and the universe! Yes, that is the bless
which comes with the fall, everybody can be an artist, everybody can
be a philosopher and a monk! Everybody can be in love!

Hmmm,it is much more than just a season, it is a state! It is when the
universe starts playing that lovely, touching piece of music, and
listening to it brings silence and peace of the mind.

I understand that I have been describing a season and repeating the
same meanings in different words, which may be boring for a lot of you
but please forgive me for doing it, as it is like bragging about it with
you! like singing a song for the fall! So please don’t be bored, and
just sing with me! 🙂

Now, I’d like to tell you a very interesting thing about me, and my
mistress, my companion and fellow traveller ( I think fellow traveller
is a very beautiful and meaningful expression, but she insists on using
the word companion!).We met online, on CM, a bdsm dating site if you
don’t know about it, and at that time, neither of us ever imagined that
it was possible to meet his/her soulmate there, but it happened! 🙂
But the interesting thing is that our first conversation ever has
started at midnight on September 21st! Yes,the first day of the fall!
It may sound like a coincidence for most people, but for me, it means
a lot, like it was some sort of a sign! and even if it was just
a coincidence, I believe it was a very very beautiful coincidence.
The more beautiful thing is that I was listening to a very romantic
and lovely song when we started talking together.It was the fall coming and Bryan Adams heavenly voice in the background, singing “straight from the heart” The wind, his voice, the guitar, and the harmonica all announced the beginning of a beautiful and a true era for me 🙂

I wanted to write this to my mistress on 21st of September, but
unfortunately, patience was never one of my virtues!
So, here comes the fall again 🙂

Happy new fall to you love 🙂

So everybody, here is the link of a very lovely live version of that
song on youtube, the one I was listening to that night, I want to
share it with you, and I am sure you are gonna love it!

These are the wonderful lyrics of that song for everybody to enjoy 🙂
” I could start dreamin’ but it never ends
As long as you’re gone we may as well pretend
I’ve been dreamin’
Straight from the heart

You say it’s easy but who’s to say
That we’d be able to keep it this way
But it’s easier
Comin’ straight from the heart

Oh Give it to me straight from the heart
Tell me we can make another start
You know I’ll never go – as long as I know
It’s comin’ straight from the heart

I see you on the street some other time
And all my words would just fall outta line
While we’re dreamin’
Straight from the heart

Oh Give it to me straight from the heart
Tell me we can make one more start
You know I’ll never go – as long as I know
It’s comin’ straight from the heart

(i’ll never leave you darlin’)

oh straight from the heart
tell me we can make one more start
you know i’ll never go- as long as i know
you’ll give it to me now
straight from the heart
tell me we can make one more start
you know i’ll never go-as long as i kno
it’s coming straight from the heart
give it to me
oh no, oh no
straight from the heart
you know i’ll never go-as long as i know
it’s coming straight from the heart “

Her Wild Stallion

Setty, my childhood Friend!

Posted in A Different Perspective with tags , , , , , , , on October 6, 2012 by thecountessshadow

(originally posted on September 6, 2012)

Well,I have always had the tendency to write an introduction for
everything, sometimes the introduction even takes more care and effort than the issue itself! I thought a lot about that tendency, whether it means I have a hell of an organised mind, that wants things to go on in order? Or is it simply an obsessive mind who sticks to its own pointless rituals?!! 🙂 but that’s another story!

Anyway, I tried hard to write directly this time without an introduction, but I just found myself talking about my tendency to write an introduction for everything, which is a sort of an introduction itself 🙂
Ok,ok,now this is becoming boring indeed,so let’s move on !

During some stages of my life, I was very much into Freud, and though
I don’t agree with many of his theories, and though I am fully aware
that modern psychiatry has proven many of his theories and practices
wrong or inaccurate, and actually abandoned the use of psychoanalysis as a regular therapeutic intervention, I still believe he was a genius and I admire him so much. Actually, I admire the school of thought that he brought to the world of psychology, the analysis thing. Please forgive me if my ideas aren’t so clear, as I am not a psychologist I am just interested in the issue,and just speaking up my mind, so bear with me please!
May be, Freud’s therapeutic interventions aren’t so great as it was believed to be before, but definitely, his analytical method is a great way to understand the complex human nature, and more importantly, it suits me so much, it suits my naturally analytical mind!
I think I mentioned in a previous post, that I have spent a lot of time during my adolescence, trying to understand myself, and my sexuality, trying to answer the “why” question! Why was I so different?! It was an exciting part of my life, that I may talk about later, but generally, I read a lot and thought a lot more! I thought about my childhood, and parents and early experiences, and many things of that sort, but you know what? I never found an answer! Now I believe that I never found an answer because I never really cared to do! I was just having a hard time to accept myself and my sexuality, and I was trying to escape it while pretending I was looking for answers!

Like everybody else, I have had fantasies, emotional and sexual fantasies during my late childhood and early adolescence, and of course they reflected my sexual and emotional taste, and my approach to these fantasies was very complex, contradictory, and unwise! I used them to release myself (sorry ladies, but that is the truth!) as they were very exciting to me, and at other times, I hated myself for having them I tried to resist them, but I never tried to look, and understand,
which is the thing I am trying to do now in this era of my life. It is like a freshly new journey of self discovery, and it is a very very interesting journey 🙂
So now, enough of this second introduction, and let’s move to the fantasy I wanted to tell you about, my basic childhood and adolescence fantasy!

Actually I don’t know when did it exactly begin, but I just know it has been there very long ago, as if I was born with it!
Well,it is not “it”, it’s SHE! Now let me introduce you to my childhood friend, my young mistress! 🙂 She had no name, She was always “Setty”, a word that means Mistress in
my own language. Her age was just like mine, and she grew up with me! She was always there, in the background, watching me, encouraging me at times, laughing at me other times, but always loving me, and more importantly, always accepting me, accepting my weaknesses, and even loving me more for them!
She was there all the time in the background, but she came constantly at night, every night when I went to bed, she visited me, and we spent a lot of time together! I was around 8 or 9 years old, honestly I cant remember, but it started long time before I understood anything about sex, it was strictly emotional. Everyday, I wanted the night to come, so that I could go to my bed, curl under my blanket, and travel with her, yes, she took me from my world, to another fantasy world, where everything felt different. (Now,dont worry,I wasn’t schizophrenic :),I knew that was a fantasy, but I liked that fantasy friend very much! )

In our world, she was my mistress, and I was her servant, yes, servant was the word, not slave.
Her house was so lovely, with a lovely swimming pool that I loved very much, and her room was a lovely pink room, everything was cute, pink, and beautiful.

My mistress was very complex, she was very cruel to me, but she knew how much I loved her and needed her, and she gave me what I needed the most, to be accepted by her the way I was, to be allowed to stay around her! We went to school together, I always carried her bag together with mine, and I always walked few steps behind her as she walked singing and eating her lollipop! During the school break, I always stayed around her, in case she needed something and I stood in the cafeteria line to buy her candies while she played with her friends. After school I arranged her room as she showered, brought her a snack after her shower to eat while watching tv, and hurried to wash her socks and brush her shoes for the next school day!

On weekends, I brushed her hair before she went out, and helped her put on her shoes. She was very cruel at times, when she came back home to find her room untidy, she slapped me a lot, hit me body with her belt or slippers at times! locked me in the attic at other times.

She only allowed me to enter the pool when I was cleaning it for her, and her friends, otherwise I just sat down by her feet rubbing them as she lay down on her sofa, or dry her wet body when she came out of the pool. She was very cruel, ignored me most of the time, hit me a lot, fed me her left overs! But it happened once, I caught a cold,

I was feverish and shivering, hmmm,my sleeping place was on the floor beside her bed, but that day, she held my hand and let me sleep on her own bed, covered me with her blanket, and took care of me. She kissed me and told me dont be afraid my boy, I will take care of you, and I wanted very much to go down and kiss her feet but I was so sick and tired to do it (yes,that happened in the fantasy! :p )

In my fantasy, I was kidnapped by her, that part was not important, the kidnapping part I mean,and had nothing to do with our dynamics, but I guess my little mind tried to find an excuse for loving her abuse! Anyway, another time we were both home alone, and she was very sick and her friends were very afraid to catch an infection, so they left
her alone. I was there, and I took care of her, I even wanted to eat her left overs that time more than anytime else, to show her I was not afraid to catch her infection! Her weakness and sickness made her feel like losing power and control over me, as she couldnt force me to do anything, and eventually that made her more aggressive and abusive, but I was even more docile, I tried to run away but then I came back to her I wanted to be her servant, and when she couldnt get up to bring her belt to hit me, I brought it and gave it to her and knelt! When she recovered, she sat down on her bed, and held my head while I was kneeling in front of her, lay my head gently on her lap and whispered to me, you know how much I love you my boy? Yes, I have friends whom I love and dont slap, but you are my boy, my servant, the one I can hit, slap, and kiss! None of them is my servant, but you are, are you proud my boy, and I said yes,so proud and happy mistress!

Now,may be you are excited, probably bored 🙂 , according to your background. May be some of you are thinking, awww, what a sick child you were 🙂
Well,this is probably right, may be I was a very sick child, but in this era of my life, I dont care so much about headlines, a sick child a happy child, a weird child, whatever. It actually makes no difference at all, and the only thing that matters is who I am..I havent ended up in a mental institution, and I became a professionally successful man, so choosing to ignore the origins of my sexuality and my emotional make up sounds very stupid to me, it was something I used to do before, and a something I decided to never do again 🙂

There was no mistress, and that was just a fantasy! That was the creation of my childish mind, and this early fantasy definitely defines me, tells a lot about myself and where I came from.

That young mistress of mine, and my relationship with her, defines me in a way I never paid attention to..I have always had a very complex feeling towards women,a mixture of love, fear and worship! I almost have a fetish for this word ” Sacred Feminine “! Well,I am not a fool and I don’t believe that females are genetically superior to males and this bullshit they mention in femdom porn magazines! No, that is not the case, and what I am trying to express is something else, these are my emotions. Hmmm,It is like that chinese ideaology about the Yin/Yang components of existence,if you are familiar with it.For those who are not familiar with the concept, it simply says that Yin and Yang are the two poles of existence, like sun and moon,hot and cold, male and female,…ect and that we live in between, it states that a trait or a thing at its extreme turns into the opposite, hmm,it is hard to explain that concept in here, it needs a separate post, but anyway, I wanted to say, that for me, it felt like feminine is the absolute beauty, softness, very extreme beauty and softness, very extreme Yin that it becomes so powerful, out of that extreme softness a great power is born, and that extreme beauty,softness, and power creates my own myth, the sacred feminine myth!
It is something like “Mother Earth” in the Indian mythology (oh yes,I am fond of mythology! 🙂 )..Cruelty mixed with compassion, softness with power, beauty, intelligence, hmmm, that is my own definition of femininity. It is not related to where she comes from, how does she look like! She doesn’t have to be a hollywood star to be beautiful,
if you are a female, you are absolute beauty! You just need to realise that fact to let your beauty shine. You don’t have to get a Phd degree to be that intelligent, as that kind of feminine natural intelligence is different from the academic intelligence, Of course education is great and a woman with a Phd would be greatly appreciated academically but I am talking here about another form of intelligence, a natural form a deep understanding of what is right, when to be compassionate and when to go wild, when to move, and when to stand still, I know it sounds vague, but I hope you understand my point.
Hmm, Nezar Qabani, a great poet and one of my favourite writers wrote a divan called “In the beggining,was the female”. How genius he was!

Now,this might sound like a huge shift into another issue, but actually I am just thinking about my childhood fantasy and speaking up my mind, whatever comes to it,besides, who cares if we make a shift as long as we are enjoying ourselves 🙂

Hmm, my young mistress was so cruel, so beautiful and that made me adore her, that is right, but above all, she gave me a very important thing to me, she accepted me! I am not sure if this would apply to every submissive male, but I am sure it applies to me, and I believe to many other submissive guys as well.
Hmmm, many of us, submissive guys, have (or used to have) some sort of insecurity. Many of us have experienced some sort of ego bruising early in our lives, most probably from his parents. Hmm, May be our first experience with feminine love was linked to cruelty! Well, I am talking about the mother figure, and I believe many of the sub guys have had strict, somehow cruel, but still loving mothers! The mother love is unquestionable for her child, and her deeds are as well, so simply, I want to say,that he takes everything she does as some sort of love,and may be we grew up to love feminine cruelty as it was linked to love in our minds! Now, this is some sort of psychological
explanation, and may be I disagree with psychiatrists who see in bdsm nothing more than a psychiatric illness, a paraphilia or a sexual deviation, I disagree with them and I believe there is some sort of choice in it, but it would be very unwise to ignore that aspect completely as it plays a role and can not be totally ignored.
So, back to the insecurity part! A boy with a bruised ego develops this sort of insecurity about himself, develop some fears that may be irrational, but what we feel isn’t related at all to what is rational and what is not. When this boy reaches adolescence and the male/female romance starts to appear in his life, a great deal of these fears
become directed towards that issue. Many sub guys, or at least myself, start to fear rejection from the beautiful feminine! They crave to be accepted, and that pushes them more into submission, they see their weak points and work hard on strengthening themselves, but they still need the female approval to feel happy, complete, and secure!
I don’t know if you will agree with me, but if you look closely, you will notice that most submissive guys are muscular, somehow athletic, or at least good looking physically.You will find most of them professionally successful and well cultured, and again that is not because submission is genetically linked to intelligence or good
physique or any of these childish explanations people tend to repeat. I believe they are like this, because they (sub guys) always try to fight their insecurity, to strengthen thier bodies and their minds, which eventually lead to some success in some fields, but despite that apparent success, they still long for approval, feminine approval,
and I believe that is the core of the Femdom dynamics from the male sub perspective, and unlike psychiatrists, I dont believe this is sick, I do believe this is romantic !

Well, I don’t know if that was boring or not, or if anybody cares about my childhood friend! 🙂 but that is the thing, I enjoy looking inside myself, and I enjoy letting it out, besides, I believe that though every human is very unique, with a very unique experiences, we still share a lot of common origins and dynamics, and may be reading about my own, will help someone to look inside him/herself.

Now, finally, hmmm, I didn’t mention how my childhood mistress looked like. Well, She didnt have a specific shape, sometimes she looked like a neighbour of mine, a one I liked so much, other times, she looked like one of my school colleagues, but most of the time, she didnt have a clear face in my dreams, like she was just “Setty”, Mistress X.
The more interesting part is that when I first saw a photograph of my Mistress when She was a child, I suddenly remembered that fantasy, and exactly like I told Her, now my childhood mistress has a face, a clear and a very beautiful and cute face 🙂 . Hmm,it took you a lot of years to come to me in real life Mistress, but it was so nice of you to visit me every night in my dreams, so we havent met lately, our real meeting was very long ago 😉

Her Wild Stallion

The Forest of Desire, Another Declaration!

Posted in Femdom Literature with tags , , , , , , on October 6, 2012 by thecountessshadow

(originally posted on September 1, 2012)

It has always been so scary and so weird,until She came with Her magic stick !

She touched me on the shoulder, and the fear was no more !

She held my hand and walked me through the dark forest of my desires.
I was shivering, but She smiled and said, don’t worry My little one,
there is nothing to fear in here! She walked and i couldn’t help
following, like She was holding an invisible leash and pulling!

It wasn’t so long until we reached the centre of the forest..
She was so right, the Throne was perfectly suitable, as there is no
coincidence, just the delusion of coincidence!

The Throne was Hers, and She sat down in glory where She belonged…

In front of Her Throne I am, in Her chains I thrive..With Her charm
I am wrapped, and with Her rules I survive!

She is the only one to be honoured, adored and worshipped.
She is the Owner, the Queen and the ultimate Mistress.

She is my Goddess.

Her Wild Stallion