Setty, my childhood Friend!

(originally posted on September 6, 2012)

Well,I have always had the tendency to write an introduction for
everything, sometimes the introduction even takes more care and effort than the issue itself! I thought a lot about that tendency, whether it means I have a hell of an organised mind, that wants things to go on in order? Or is it simply an obsessive mind who sticks to its own pointless rituals?!! 🙂 but that’s another story!

Anyway, I tried hard to write directly this time without an introduction, but I just found myself talking about my tendency to write an introduction for everything, which is a sort of an introduction itself 🙂
Ok,ok,now this is becoming boring indeed,so let’s move on !

During some stages of my life, I was very much into Freud, and though
I don’t agree with many of his theories, and though I am fully aware
that modern psychiatry has proven many of his theories and practices
wrong or inaccurate, and actually abandoned the use of psychoanalysis as a regular therapeutic intervention, I still believe he was a genius and I admire him so much. Actually, I admire the school of thought that he brought to the world of psychology, the analysis thing. Please forgive me if my ideas aren’t so clear, as I am not a psychologist I am just interested in the issue,and just speaking up my mind, so bear with me please!
May be, Freud’s therapeutic interventions aren’t so great as it was believed to be before, but definitely, his analytical method is a great way to understand the complex human nature, and more importantly, it suits me so much, it suits my naturally analytical mind!
I think I mentioned in a previous post, that I have spent a lot of time during my adolescence, trying to understand myself, and my sexuality, trying to answer the “why” question! Why was I so different?! It was an exciting part of my life, that I may talk about later, but generally, I read a lot and thought a lot more! I thought about my childhood, and parents and early experiences, and many things of that sort, but you know what? I never found an answer! Now I believe that I never found an answer because I never really cared to do! I was just having a hard time to accept myself and my sexuality, and I was trying to escape it while pretending I was looking for answers!

Like everybody else, I have had fantasies, emotional and sexual fantasies during my late childhood and early adolescence, and of course they reflected my sexual and emotional taste, and my approach to these fantasies was very complex, contradictory, and unwise! I used them to release myself (sorry ladies, but that is the truth!) as they were very exciting to me, and at other times, I hated myself for having them I tried to resist them, but I never tried to look, and understand,
which is the thing I am trying to do now in this era of my life. It is like a freshly new journey of self discovery, and it is a very very interesting journey 🙂
So now, enough of this second introduction, and let’s move to the fantasy I wanted to tell you about, my basic childhood and adolescence fantasy!

Actually I don’t know when did it exactly begin, but I just know it has been there very long ago, as if I was born with it!
Well,it is not “it”, it’s SHE! Now let me introduce you to my childhood friend, my young mistress! 🙂 She had no name, She was always “Setty”, a word that means Mistress in
my own language. Her age was just like mine, and she grew up with me! She was always there, in the background, watching me, encouraging me at times, laughing at me other times, but always loving me, and more importantly, always accepting me, accepting my weaknesses, and even loving me more for them!
She was there all the time in the background, but she came constantly at night, every night when I went to bed, she visited me, and we spent a lot of time together! I was around 8 or 9 years old, honestly I cant remember, but it started long time before I understood anything about sex, it was strictly emotional. Everyday, I wanted the night to come, so that I could go to my bed, curl under my blanket, and travel with her, yes, she took me from my world, to another fantasy world, where everything felt different. (Now,dont worry,I wasn’t schizophrenic :),I knew that was a fantasy, but I liked that fantasy friend very much! )

In our world, she was my mistress, and I was her servant, yes, servant was the word, not slave.
Her house was so lovely, with a lovely swimming pool that I loved very much, and her room was a lovely pink room, everything was cute, pink, and beautiful.

My mistress was very complex, she was very cruel to me, but she knew how much I loved her and needed her, and she gave me what I needed the most, to be accepted by her the way I was, to be allowed to stay around her! We went to school together, I always carried her bag together with mine, and I always walked few steps behind her as she walked singing and eating her lollipop! During the school break, I always stayed around her, in case she needed something and I stood in the cafeteria line to buy her candies while she played with her friends. After school I arranged her room as she showered, brought her a snack after her shower to eat while watching tv, and hurried to wash her socks and brush her shoes for the next school day!

On weekends, I brushed her hair before she went out, and helped her put on her shoes. She was very cruel at times, when she came back home to find her room untidy, she slapped me a lot, hit me body with her belt or slippers at times! locked me in the attic at other times.

She only allowed me to enter the pool when I was cleaning it for her, and her friends, otherwise I just sat down by her feet rubbing them as she lay down on her sofa, or dry her wet body when she came out of the pool. She was very cruel, ignored me most of the time, hit me a lot, fed me her left overs! But it happened once, I caught a cold,

I was feverish and shivering, hmmm,my sleeping place was on the floor beside her bed, but that day, she held my hand and let me sleep on her own bed, covered me with her blanket, and took care of me. She kissed me and told me dont be afraid my boy, I will take care of you, and I wanted very much to go down and kiss her feet but I was so sick and tired to do it (yes,that happened in the fantasy! :p )

In my fantasy, I was kidnapped by her, that part was not important, the kidnapping part I mean,and had nothing to do with our dynamics, but I guess my little mind tried to find an excuse for loving her abuse! Anyway, another time we were both home alone, and she was very sick and her friends were very afraid to catch an infection, so they left
her alone. I was there, and I took care of her, I even wanted to eat her left overs that time more than anytime else, to show her I was not afraid to catch her infection! Her weakness and sickness made her feel like losing power and control over me, as she couldnt force me to do anything, and eventually that made her more aggressive and abusive, but I was even more docile, I tried to run away but then I came back to her I wanted to be her servant, and when she couldnt get up to bring her belt to hit me, I brought it and gave it to her and knelt! When she recovered, she sat down on her bed, and held my head while I was kneeling in front of her, lay my head gently on her lap and whispered to me, you know how much I love you my boy? Yes, I have friends whom I love and dont slap, but you are my boy, my servant, the one I can hit, slap, and kiss! None of them is my servant, but you are, are you proud my boy, and I said yes,so proud and happy mistress!

Now,may be you are excited, probably bored 🙂 , according to your background. May be some of you are thinking, awww, what a sick child you were 🙂
Well,this is probably right, may be I was a very sick child, but in this era of my life, I dont care so much about headlines, a sick child a happy child, a weird child, whatever. It actually makes no difference at all, and the only thing that matters is who I am..I havent ended up in a mental institution, and I became a professionally successful man, so choosing to ignore the origins of my sexuality and my emotional make up sounds very stupid to me, it was something I used to do before, and a something I decided to never do again 🙂

There was no mistress, and that was just a fantasy! That was the creation of my childish mind, and this early fantasy definitely defines me, tells a lot about myself and where I came from.

That young mistress of mine, and my relationship with her, defines me in a way I never paid attention to..I have always had a very complex feeling towards women,a mixture of love, fear and worship! I almost have a fetish for this word ” Sacred Feminine “! Well,I am not a fool and I don’t believe that females are genetically superior to males and this bullshit they mention in femdom porn magazines! No, that is not the case, and what I am trying to express is something else, these are my emotions. Hmmm,It is like that chinese ideaology about the Yin/Yang components of existence,if you are familiar with it.For those who are not familiar with the concept, it simply says that Yin and Yang are the two poles of existence, like sun and moon,hot and cold, male and female,…ect and that we live in between, it states that a trait or a thing at its extreme turns into the opposite, hmm,it is hard to explain that concept in here, it needs a separate post, but anyway, I wanted to say, that for me, it felt like feminine is the absolute beauty, softness, very extreme beauty and softness, very extreme Yin that it becomes so powerful, out of that extreme softness a great power is born, and that extreme beauty,softness, and power creates my own myth, the sacred feminine myth!
It is something like “Mother Earth” in the Indian mythology (oh yes,I am fond of mythology! 🙂 )..Cruelty mixed with compassion, softness with power, beauty, intelligence, hmmm, that is my own definition of femininity. It is not related to where she comes from, how does she look like! She doesn’t have to be a hollywood star to be beautiful,
if you are a female, you are absolute beauty! You just need to realise that fact to let your beauty shine. You don’t have to get a Phd degree to be that intelligent, as that kind of feminine natural intelligence is different from the academic intelligence, Of course education is great and a woman with a Phd would be greatly appreciated academically but I am talking here about another form of intelligence, a natural form a deep understanding of what is right, when to be compassionate and when to go wild, when to move, and when to stand still, I know it sounds vague, but I hope you understand my point.
Hmm, Nezar Qabani, a great poet and one of my favourite writers wrote a divan called “In the beggining,was the female”. How genius he was!

Now,this might sound like a huge shift into another issue, but actually I am just thinking about my childhood fantasy and speaking up my mind, whatever comes to it,besides, who cares if we make a shift as long as we are enjoying ourselves 🙂

Hmm, my young mistress was so cruel, so beautiful and that made me adore her, that is right, but above all, she gave me a very important thing to me, she accepted me! I am not sure if this would apply to every submissive male, but I am sure it applies to me, and I believe to many other submissive guys as well.
Hmmm, many of us, submissive guys, have (or used to have) some sort of insecurity. Many of us have experienced some sort of ego bruising early in our lives, most probably from his parents. Hmm, May be our first experience with feminine love was linked to cruelty! Well, I am talking about the mother figure, and I believe many of the sub guys have had strict, somehow cruel, but still loving mothers! The mother love is unquestionable for her child, and her deeds are as well, so simply, I want to say,that he takes everything she does as some sort of love,and may be we grew up to love feminine cruelty as it was linked to love in our minds! Now, this is some sort of psychological
explanation, and may be I disagree with psychiatrists who see in bdsm nothing more than a psychiatric illness, a paraphilia or a sexual deviation, I disagree with them and I believe there is some sort of choice in it, but it would be very unwise to ignore that aspect completely as it plays a role and can not be totally ignored.
So, back to the insecurity part! A boy with a bruised ego develops this sort of insecurity about himself, develop some fears that may be irrational, but what we feel isn’t related at all to what is rational and what is not. When this boy reaches adolescence and the male/female romance starts to appear in his life, a great deal of these fears
become directed towards that issue. Many sub guys, or at least myself, start to fear rejection from the beautiful feminine! They crave to be accepted, and that pushes them more into submission, they see their weak points and work hard on strengthening themselves, but they still need the female approval to feel happy, complete, and secure!
I don’t know if you will agree with me, but if you look closely, you will notice that most submissive guys are muscular, somehow athletic, or at least good looking physically.You will find most of them professionally successful and well cultured, and again that is not because submission is genetically linked to intelligence or good
physique or any of these childish explanations people tend to repeat. I believe they are like this, because they (sub guys) always try to fight their insecurity, to strengthen thier bodies and their minds, which eventually lead to some success in some fields, but despite that apparent success, they still long for approval, feminine approval,
and I believe that is the core of the Femdom dynamics from the male sub perspective, and unlike psychiatrists, I dont believe this is sick, I do believe this is romantic !

Well, I don’t know if that was boring or not, or if anybody cares about my childhood friend! 🙂 but that is the thing, I enjoy looking inside myself, and I enjoy letting it out, besides, I believe that though every human is very unique, with a very unique experiences, we still share a lot of common origins and dynamics, and may be reading about my own, will help someone to look inside him/herself.

Now, finally, hmmm, I didn’t mention how my childhood mistress looked like. Well, She didnt have a specific shape, sometimes she looked like a neighbour of mine, a one I liked so much, other times, she looked like one of my school colleagues, but most of the time, she didnt have a clear face in my dreams, like she was just “Setty”, Mistress X.
The more interesting part is that when I first saw a photograph of my Mistress when She was a child, I suddenly remembered that fantasy, and exactly like I told Her, now my childhood mistress has a face, a clear and a very beautiful and cute face 🙂 . Hmm,it took you a lot of years to come to me in real life Mistress, but it was so nice of you to visit me every night in my dreams, so we havent met lately, our real meeting was very long ago 😉

Her Wild Stallion

2 Responses to “Setty, my childhood Friend!”

  1. mind dominator Says:

    hercountessslave , u have very warm feelings…Iam impressed

  2. Thank you mind dominator, but my nickname is “thecountessshadow “or ” Her Wild Stallion” :).. I am glad you are enjoying the blog

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